Daily Bread #126

Although I got in one 5 mile hike this week and one 3 mile neighborhood walk, the air quality from the wildfire smoke has kept me indoors most of the week. With the A/C fan and air purifier both running, I have been able to use the stationary bike instead. With that, and some long walks around the house, and some push-ups and sit-ups, I have been able to keep up some with my exercise. Not as much fun as a 9 mile hike in the Sierras, but not bad, and there is no point damaging my lungs breathing bad air.

I AM in much better shape than I was last fire season though. Now I can actually ride the bike standing up to pedal faster. Not for too long, just for a minute or two, but no way could I have done it at all a year ago!

I still amaze myself most days. Body self image is hard to change. It doesn’t happen quickly. Every time I see my collar bones, I get a little shock. It is a little weird maybe, but I also find myself feeling my body or running my hands over my rib cage or down my legs. If I feel it, maybe I will see it too. My leg muscles are so much stronger, which explains being able to stand while pedaling the bike.

How we see ourselves depends on so much. Other people create mirrors that reflect back how they see us, and we take that in. Fat people are treated differently, and not as well, something that was obvious to me before and that I haven’t forgotten. People see and react differently to me now. Sometimes I feel the need to turn around and see who is standing behind me. I am the same person, still a large woman, just with a smaller body, but my spirit has not shrunk along with the rest of me. I still need my space.

It has been another week on neither being up or down on my average weight, although it fluctuates daily of course. I am still tied to the scale numbers though, wondering what it will be each day and worrying some if I am up at all. This too will pass. As I said, body image is hard to change.

L’Chaim!  Week 18 of “maintenance”: My average weight this week is the same as last week’s average for a total loss of 181.2