Carry That Weight – (Week minus 1)

“Gonna carry that weight a long time.” Yeah sing it to me, Beatles.  I have been carrying weight for a long time, but not much longer if all goes well.  In another week and a half I go off food – completely.  I signed up for Kaiser’s Medical Weight Management Program which involves only ingesting “meal replacements” for 17 weeks.   At 900 calories a day, these meal substitutes, along with exercise, result in relatively large weight loss in a relatively short time.  They are nutritionally balanced and the program is medically supervised, so it is much safer than other rapid weight loss programs. There will be weekly meetings for a full 18 months to help me stay focused and to avoid regaining the lost weight once the program ends.

It isn’t going to be easy, but it is something I need to do, and it is something I need to do now.  I have a fair number of health conditions both related to and exacerbated by my weight, but the most acute is the need for knee replacement surgery.   To have the surgery done I need to lose at least 100 pounds, something that would literally take years to accomplish by simply exercising and eating less.  Right now anyway, I think this program will be easier in some ways than dieting.  No daily decisions to make, just follow the program.   Ah, maybe not easier, but more likely to work I think.

I weighed around 125 pounds until my mid 20’s when I started working at the Social Security Administration.  A desk job and awesome potlucks got me up to about 140.  Trying to quit smoking led to more weight gain.  Giving birth to twins did not help, but most of the weight I have put on is I think because I love the taste of good food.  I have never been a binge eater, and am even somewhat picky about what I will eat, but if something is yummy, how could an extra spoonful hurt?

Those extra spoonfuls have added up over the years, however, and here we are at 325 pounds with a body that is definitely showing major stress from carrying that weight for such a long time.

Let me stop here to say that I am not ashamed of being fat.  It is simply who I have been, a fat woman, with the same inherent worth and dignity that I believe each and every person has regardless of their size and/or abilities, physical or otherwise.  Fat ladies can not only sing – they can dance too.  I have done my share of dancing and I want to dance some more, with a better knee, hopefully at the revolution. (Yay, Emma Goldman.)

I feel blessed for having so many years of being able to enjoy and savor the foods I find delicious.  And I am also blessed to have been offered this path to improving my health.  I will try to blog about it as I go because this, like life, is about the journey.

 

 

 

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A Larger Ministry

I am a large woman

It is a good thing.

As a minister

My shoulders must be wide

When people need them

To absorb their tears.

My arms must open up

To create a safe space

To hold the fearful

Close to my body

In a strong embrace.

If I could only be

Even larger

My giant heart

Might beat a rhythm

Loud enough

Just loud enough

To teach this hurting world

The joy of the dance.

 

Taking up Space September 2004

I am a large woman

And I need some space.

The world is not big enough

Sometimes.

Sharp elbows jutting, jabbing

The smaller people

Push by with impatience.

Their looks of disgust

Try to cut me down to size.

I don’t feel crowded

By other fat people,

Even in a small space.

Our round bodies bump

Pleasantly together

With a jiggling, Jello-pudding ease.

Comfortable.

Earth mother goddess,

Welcoming, warm, and wise.

Ah.

Funny how someone so big

Can feel so invisible.

Yes, EXTRA large

Is way too small.

Really.

I don’t want to feel small

Simply because I am

What someone else thinks is

Way too big.

I am a large woman

And I need some space.

I want to grow larger still

Spirit filling my body  – and more

Flowing out, around.

Free.

Divine spirit,

Larger than all imagination,

Teach us how to bump more gently

Into one another.

May our spirits flow

Around the sharp edges,

Around the rude elbows

That jab us apart.

We are large souls

And we need some space

To be

Together.

 

Decided to post after reading the Rev. Dr. Cynthia Landrum’s post on her blog. http://revcyn.blogspot.com/2013/06/the-big-issue.html