Thanksgiving Day was also the 30th birthday of our twins (the 2 sitting in chairs.) And of course we had two cakes, neither of which I even tasted. I actually left the room while everyone ate cake – part of why I had a successful Thanksgiving. Weirdly enough for a holiday week, I lost 4.6 pounds, one of my highest weekly losses ever, which totally made up for the 2.2 pounds I gained the week before. Since the dinner was just us, our 3 children, their partners, and Anne’s nephew Tom (who took this picture) I did not have to be shy about compulsively staying within my calorie budget. I ate really lightly earlier in the day, weighed the turkey I ate and simply brought measuring cups and tablespoons to the table. I had enough left in my budget to have 4 ounces of turkey, 3 tablespoons of gravy, 2 tablespoons of cranberry sauce, 1/4 cup of stuffing, 3/4 cup of roasted brussels sprouts, 1/2 cup of green bean casserole, 1/4 cups of roasted sweet potatoes, and a 1/2 cup of salad. The servings were small, but it was a feast! It came in at 566 calories. (A Big Mac w/out fries is 563). It was more than I had eaten at one sitting in a long time and I felt more than satisfied. Losing a good amount of weight the same week was just more “icing on that cake”- the one I did not eat!
I also realized this week that I am really grieving the strong bonds we had in class with the facilitator we had. It was 30 weeks of intensive work together. Now we are thrown into a group with both a new facilitator and a bunch of strangers who have been in the program longer. I like the new facilitator and am enjoying the stories and wisdom of the veterans, but it is still a loss. Losing my “fat lady’ identity is also a loss. Every change in life involves a loss. Change, even “good’ change, is always hard, but it is what life always is, if you are going to keep living it anyway. It will take time to build up trust in the new group, but I am confident that it will happen. I am going to work on helping it happen if I can. It reminds me some of congregational work. Everyone wants to hang out with their friends, and visitors can be ignored. If we care about what we are doing, in church, or in a program that depends on mutual support, we all need to do what we can the build and strengthen community, inviting the stranger, the new-comer in. I truly believe that diversity of all types is a blessing. We can learn so much from those who have different life experiences. It helps to have at least something in common, however, whether it is a commitment to losing weight or to creating a more just and peaceful world.
I am grateful for so much on this week after Thanksgiving. Most especially the rain, which extinguished the fires and cleaned the air.
(My stats for the last week – down 4.8 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 210 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 66.6 pounds.)
Last night was our first meeting with the new Lifestyles group. The lifestyles group is composed of people who have finished the 30 week intensive. We can attend the weekly meetings as long as we want and some people have been attending for way more than a year. It was good to hear from those who are further along on the journey. Us new kids composed about half of those in attendance last night. It was both good and hard being with my peeps in a different environment. The bonds between us are so strong that it will take awhile for us to blend and join with the others that have been there longer. I liked the new facilitator and am hopeful she can help us accomplish a melding together so we can become one ongoing supportive group. I did miss the intimacy and trust we have had in our smaller group and I hope that can both continue and expand.
This week has been impossible for exercise because of all the smoke from the horrible fires up north. The air is classified as “unhealthy” for everyone, and I am in the “sensitive” group so have been coughing even when indoors with the air purifier running full blast. My heart goes out to those who have lost homes and family in the fires. We really do need to get a handle on climate change before the West goes up in flames and the East and South are completely devastated by monster hurricanes and floods.
I also had my RMR (resting metabolic rate) test this week and found that my body burns 1555 calories a day when I am doing absolutely nothing. As a result, I am going to increase my calorie intake to 1350, which should still keep me on the weight loss path without going too low. Even with virtually no exercise, I still lost 1.2 pounds last week.
Sadly, too, we closed the pool for the winter, so the stationary bike will have to do once the smoke clears.
I also got some new pants last week. They were both on sale and fit! I am holding off on buying more as I hope to shrink out of the new ones before too long.
(My stats for the last week – 1.2 down pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 30 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 64 pounds.)
They shared the “before and after” pictures with us last night.
I am not done, but you can really see the difference. What you can’t see is how much better I feel.
Our last meeting last night was simply hilarious, as well as moving. We’d written a song for our facilitator, whose name is Joanna, and we gave her a gift after we sang it. To the tune of Oh Susanna:
“Oh, Joanna, oh don’t you cry for us. We’re off upstairs to lifestyles, our new group for to meet. A protein bar is in our mouth, a tear is in our eye, we’ll stay your cohort two seven, Joanna don’t you cry.”
She was totally blown away not the least by the fact that she had also written us a song TO EXACTLY THE SAME TUNE! Serendipity? Traveling along on the same wavelength for 30 weeks? A miracle?
Her song was amazing, with a verse about each person in the class, which I must say, nailed us each quite precisely.
The chorus was “Twenty Seven, Our cohort lost the fat. Smart skills, waters, logging cals, We’ve got the skills done pat.”
My favorite was the last one, “xx kept us very in the know on making habits stick, when faced with hard decisions, for God’s sake don’t be a dick.” It was one of his more famous lines during check it. We were all practically on the floor laughing.
I loved my verse too:
“Our group was helmed by Theresa, Reverend mom to all, her sage advice was cherished, she throws veggies at the wall.” The veggies at the wall line also referred to a check in story, but the less said about that one the better.
The group then overwhelmed me with some gifts. Two Tee shirts, in two sizes, one that I will need to shirk myself a bit more to fit into. 100% compliant because I was the only one who did not “cheat” the entire time. Except last week when I had that martini, but they didn’t know that when they ordered the shirts. A swimming trophy for my exercise, and egg cookers because I’d complained about peeling hard boiled eggs.
Hugs and tears all around last night. I blurred the faces in our group pic for privacy as not everyone has been as blatently public about being in the program as I have.
I am so happy that most of the group will stay together in the Lifestyles class. As we said last night, we need each other to keep on keeping on and really change our lives for good.
Tomorrow I am scheduled for a test that will tell me what my resting metabolic rate is. RMR is the amount of calories a body burns when it isn’t doing anything. It will help me know how many calories I should have each day to keep on losing the rest of my weight that needs to go. No exercise today and no food or coffee tomorrow morning before the test. I am looking forward to it.
(My stats for the last week – 1.8 down pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 260 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 62.8 pounds.)
Sunset. It is almost sunset for our group – at least as it has been configured for the last 28 weeks. Actually 29 weeks. I started counting weeks on this blog from the week we started meal replacements, not the week we started in the group. So next week will be the end of the 30 week “intensive phase” of the program. We will start in “lifestyles” which will be more weekly meetings that we can continue attending as long as we want. Forever might be good. It might take that long to really get committed to healthier eating in the long haul. I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, so it will be more than just “maintaining” for me. 61 pounds is nothing to sneeze at, however, and I am proud of myself.
Endings are almost always bittersweet. It does feel good to have finished something, but we will be leaving our awesome facilitator behind. I hope the new one has a good sense of humor too. She will need it; we are pretty rowdy. A few people in our group will be going to other lifestyles groups, ones closer to their homes or on nights that will be easier for them. I will miss them fiercly as well. Most of us will stay together though, a very good thing. I love our group!
It was a small group last night, only 8 of us plus our facilitator. A few people were traveling and others were spending Halloween with their kids. Quite a few of us wore costumes, which was fun. The topic was alcohol use, especially around the upcoming holidays. I haven’t had a drink since April when I started the program, and my intention is to wait until I get to my maintenance weight before having even one of my beloved martinis.
Alcohol involves more risks to weight loss than the obvious ones of calories and lowered inhibitions. I learned last night that it is important to eat some protein before drinking, because otherwise the body digests the alcohol as a priority and anything else will go directly to fat production. Who knew? My friend Brian must have been onto something with his blue cheese stuffed olives. I could maybe try a pepperoni stick as a garnish. Just kidding, but the protein idea was a good tip.
The holidays are coming, and I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner again this year. It will be a smaller one, just the kids and their partners, but I am going to try some healthier side dishes this year. Turkey is an awesome low fat protein if you don’t drown it in gravy.
I am still losing a pound or so each week – which shocks me in some ways. I am also not feeling hungry, except right before meal time. Having 3 small snacks in addition to 3 somewhat larger meals, seems to be working.
It has been another hard week in the world and I don’t have the emotional energy right now to write about all the horror this week. I wrote this poem earlier after attending a vigil. But please vote and please vote for Democrats. Lives are at stake, so many lives, so many precious lives.
(My stats for the last week – 1.7 down pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 390 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 61 pounds.)
Now that I have fully transitioned back onto real food, I am going to recycle this gross shaker. It is not like I didn’t rinse it after each use and wash it with soap, but the residue from the shakes simply did not come out. When I used the dishwater, the gunk got baked on.
It makes me wonder what the inside of my stomach looks like. Kind of creepy, but the program worked, so I am not complaining. I have lost a significant amount of weight and am primed to continue losing until I reach a weight that works for me and keeps me healthier. The Kaiser recommendation is to continue to use 3 products a day for the rest of my life. I have decided to ignore that. Once I finish my last 3 shakes I am done. The shakes are too gross to me at this point and the bars, while handy in a pinch, don’t seem necessary for every day. Costco also sells protein bars for half the cost of the Optimist products. Eating every 3 hours or so makes sense to keep hunger at bay, but I think I can do that eating somewhat more natural food. (Are low-fat mozzarella cheese sticks real food? They are a handy protein though. Hummus, fruit, all of those type of choices can work just fine.) I certainly don’t want to discourage others who might make different choices about the products, but this is what feels right to me.
This week I have been pondering how my body feels. It is smaller. I have more muscle and less fat. I am stronger. My skin even feels smoother. My ankles are no longer swollen and the lipodermatosclerosis in my legs is way less painful. I can open the solar pool cover all by myself, something that wasn’t possible 2 months ago. I will need to buy some new clothes soon as most of my old ones are way too big. I actually feel thin. I am not thin, however, and anyone else, looking at me, would still see me as fat. But I FEEL thin. When I last worked for the federal government, there was a lot of talk about reinventing it. We also talked about “right-sizing” rather than “down-sizing.” I never understood the differences as we went through round after round of hiring freezes which caused service declines, but the term of “right-sizing” makes some sense in my current situation. I want to get to a size and a weight that feels healthy. If I feel good, I don’t really give a damn what other people think. I am too old and have been through too much in my life to start worrying about other people’s opinions now. We talked about goals this week in class. We got the always important reminder that we are the most important person in our lives and that we need to continuing prioritizing our own well-being if we want to be able to help others. My motivation remains that of improving my health.
I took a class in seminary where we were assigned the task of doing a theological reflection about a core life issue. We got extra points for tying the reflection to a scripture from a religious tradition of our choice. Working on that assignment, I realized that the story of the prophet Jeremiah really spoke to me. He was one of the dudes who kept speaking truth to power, calling the wealthy to help the poor, etc. They kept throwing him down a well, but he never shut up. Speaking the truth is important, even if those in power don’t listen and don’t care. Even in the bottom of a well, you can create ripples that can change things several millennia down the road. The walls of the wells that confine us will eventually crumble. Speak your truth. Never give up. Rock on Jeremiah. Rock on Anita Hill. Rock on Christine Blasey Ford.
(My stats for the last week – down 4.3 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 330 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 57.6 pounds.)
This last week, I ate out for the first time in almost 6 months. Twice! It is the facilitator’s fault. She passed out menus from fast food restaurants last week and asked us to try and find healthy choices. I did better, I think, with Thai food (chicken/cabbage/red curry) and the grilled kanpachi with veggies I had at a decent fish restaurant.
I forgot to take a picture of my actual meal, but it was pretty much like the above, except the cauliflower was roasted not creamed. I did have the chimichurri sauce which had olive oil. It is impossible to figure out the actual calories when you eat out, but I did try and be smart about it. No rice or bread, and I avoided heavy sauces.
I think I stayed within my calorie budget, but I only lost .3 pounds last week. That is OK. Any loss is better than a gain, which is kind of the opposite of the rest of life.
We did nutrition this week in class, macro mainly, carbs, fat and protein. I have been watching my carbs for years, to keep my blood sugar from spiking, so that is routine for me by now. We need carbohydrates of course, and I am trying to get most of mine from the complex range, vegetables and a few whole grains. Life is complex, but white bread and potatoes not so much. I yearn sometimes for a simpler life, but it is not what my body needs when it comes to food.
I am also starting to thinking about going completely off the Optimist products. (They recommend using 3 a day for the rest of our live!) I hate Nestle, the evil corporation that makes it, and the products are far from healthy natural food. I think I can do better with snacks of string cheese, hard boiled eggs, fruit, veggies and other brands of protein bars in a pinch. I am still in the thinking stage on that, but I have never been one for eating a lot of processed or packaged foods. The Optifast products are definitely in that category.
This week has been hard emotionally. I have been very triggered by the US Supreme Court nominee and the Republican defense of sexual assault. I wrote the following poem this morning.
A Holy Rage
I remember this feeling
Tightness in my chest
The day my father was baptized
Was the day I stopped
It took me 30 years
To go back.
They knew what he was like
But it did not matter
I did not matter
They never asked me
They never cared enough.
Another drunken abuser
Is about to stagger into more power
Where he will no doubt
Abuse us all.
Where is our sacrament?
Where is our blessing?
Where is the salvation,
For the victims,
For the survivors?
I tell you this:
I am no longer a child
I know the truth
I will remember
And I will not forgive.
My rage is holy now.
May all our rage be Holy. May we do what is good for ourselves and for each other. May we be tender with the (so many) wounded among us.
(My stats for the last week – down .3 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 300 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 53.3 pounds.)
I have been seriously pissed off since the news of the attempted rape by the current nominee for the Supreme Court. Why am I not surprised that the “groper in chief” would nominate another privileged and entitled white male who thinks the world and women were created for his use and pleasure? Class and race issues abound here as well. Our prisons are full of poor people and people of color who made a mistake when they were young, but this dude is unlikely to be held even marginally accountable. Punk he was then and punk he still is.
Anger and stress are not necessarily great for staying on program, but last night we learned about “eustress” a stress that is experienced as beneficial, for example a challenge that can invigorate an person to engage in meeting and overcoming an obstacle. For a problem to generate eustress, there needs, I think, to be some sense that we have the power within us to meet the challenge. This is why the phrases, “you’ve got this” and “you can do it” are so helpful in support groups and frankly, in parenting. No one makes progress when they are in despair. I am sticking to the program, and to the Resistance, simply because I have to do so. Keeping hope alive is an essential part of living well and fully.
There was a bump in the road this week when I read the following article:
So much was excellent about the article.
The comments about the medical profession rang true:
“Ask almost any fat person about her interactions with the health care system and you will hear a story, sometimes three,…. rolled eyes, skeptical questions, treatments denied or delayed or revoked. Doctors are supposed to be trusted authorities, a patient’s primary gateway to healing. But for fat people, they are a source of unique and persistent trauma. No matter what you go in for or how much you’re hurting, the first thing you will be told is that it would all get better if you could just put down the Cheetos.”
And that may be all you are told. If you are fat, your actual medical condition which may need immediate treatment, is often overlooked and dismissed. It has happened to me.
The article also did a good job of describing the harmful impacts of fat shaming.
“Paradoxically, as the number of larger Americans has risen, the biases against them have become more severe. More than 40 percent of Americans classified as obese now say they experience stigma on a daily basis, a rate far higher than any other minority group.”
The part that threw me off for awhile, however, was this:
“For 60 years, doctors and researchers have known two things that could have improved, or even saved, millions of lives. The first is that diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets. Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible. As early as 1969, research showed that losing just 3 percent of your body weight resulted in a 17 percent slowdown in your metabolism—a body-wide starvation response that blasts you with hunger hormones and drops your internal temperature until you rise back to your highest weight. Keeping weight off means fighting your body’s energy-regulation system and battling hunger all day, every day, for the rest of your life.”
This isn’t something I wanted to hear while I am in the middle of a weight management program that seems to be working. I really question the statistics in the highlighted sentence, however, especially since no reference was given and I could not find that statistic on-line. The last sentence also doesn’t ring true. I have not felt hunger while on this program, cravings for certain foods, yes, but not actual hunger. I really don’t expect to be battling hunger for the rest of my life. Paying attention, yes, being careful about what and how much I eat, yes, prioritizing exercise, yes, but I am now seeing significant improvements in my health as a result of the weight I have already lost. That is a incredible motivator as is the awesome support of the other members of my group.
And this week I made another milestone – over 50 pounds down! I can see the changes when I look in the mirror, but even better, I can feel the changes when I need to climb some stairs.
May 16 September 19
(My stats for the last week – down 3.1 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 310 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 51.8 pounds.)
This scale is my friend. The other one is just OK, although we were told last night that weighing ourselves daily isn’t a bad idea. It will get us used to daily fluctuations and ultimately reduce our stress levels about weight loss or gain. The weekly weight losses are slowing down now, and while that is OK and to be expected, it can be a bit depressing.
This program is so much harder now with real food. At 1250-1350 calories I am still not hungry, so that part isn’t hard. But it is so complicated! I try to get enough protein and not too much, and to keep drinking water which will help protect my kidneys with this relatively high protein diet. And vitamins and minerals matter too. Weighing and measuring everything takes time and concentration. How did I survive simply eating all those years and I never got scurvy or any other vitamin deficiency disease? It must have been a miracle, or maybe it was because I ate a lot of almost everything, and some empty calories don’t matter if you are eating a lot. So, protein, veggies, a lot of water, and a few slices a week of a whole grain bread is what I am doing now to try and stay healthy. I am sometimes find it hard enough to eat enough to keep my metabolism humming along and out of starvation mode. I haven’t really dieted much in the past so hopefully I haven’t slowed my metabolism over the years the way frequent dieters seem to do. Another reason to stick with the program. It just gets harder every time you try,
We learned some simple strength-building exercises to go along with more aerobic ones a few weeks ago, and I am trying to do at least 15 minutes of them daily. Ever hear of wall push-ups? Sort of easy, and sort of not. The wall doesn’t move, but my arms get a good workout. As the weather gets cooler, I won’t be able to swim every day so it will be time to hop on the exercise bike again.
Some folks have dropped out of the program recently. I hate that. Another thing I hate is listening to people who have never weighed more than 140 pounds talk about their struggles with weight. Give it a rest, please. You really don’t understand. Just be supportive.
We also talked about lapses, relapses, and drifting this week. The definitions are kind of complicated. Lapses are to be expected, and planned ones are in fact just fine. There will be times that I get to eat cake. Relapses are when you eat cake for several days in a row. Drifting is when you think eating cake everyday will not cause you to gain weight again. It doesn’t have to be cake. It can be wine, a martini, or pasta. It can be forgetting to exercise for a month. Get back on the bike!
Like I said, this stuff is hard.
(My stats for the last week – down .5 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 330 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 48.7 pounds.)
(My stats for the last week – down .9 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 290 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 48.2 pounds.)
Dinner! This last week I had 3 square (real food) meals each day. It is rather fun and a little crazy making at the same time. I even got to eat actual dinner with my wife. It is starting to work, but still hard. Planning and cooking is something I got out of the habit of doing. Then there is the weighing, measuring, and counting everything I eat. I have an app on my phone that I can use to record everything which is much easier than pen and ink, plus it does the math for me. I used to be great at math, but as I age, I seem to make a few more mistakes when adding. I am still compulsive. I bake several large pans of veggies, one of cauliflower and two of zucchini. I let Anne eat some of them, but I get jealous if she eats too much as I want them to last for several days. Fighting over veggies rather than potstickers, oh my. Slowly and surely I am getting into a routine, 3 real meals and 3 product snacks. One challenge this week was been the temptation to snack. We had some family over on Sunday and although I had hummus and red bell peppers out for me, they brought salami, cheese and crackers. The cheese and crackers did not tempt me, but the salami was another matter. I ate 3-4 slices, not horrible, just fine really, and I counted the calories, but it was really hard to stop with those few slices. Better not to start.
It is definitely more stressful trying to manage my calorie intake while getting a good balance of nutrients. The meal replacements did all that and I did not have to think while on them. I am grumpy and short-tempered (more than usual!) and my dear wife puts up with a lot. If anything would make me want to quit the program, being impossible to live with would be it. Hopefully my emotions will even out once I have this meal thing figured out better.
This week in class, we did some simple strength building exercises. I will try them on days I can’t swim. The air quality hasn’t been great with all the fires and the smoke drifting into the bay area, and that has kept me indoors more.
We did go to Tiburon for a few hours last week and I put this pic up on Facebook. Folks commented that I am looking good. One even said I am melting! Maybe so, maybe so,
(My stats for the last week – down 4.6 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 220 minutes – I definitely made up for my 1.5 gain last week. My total weight loss so far is 47.3 pounds.)