Last night was our first meeting with the new Lifestyles group. The lifestyles group is composed of people who have finished the 30 week intensive. We can attend the weekly meetings as long as we want and some people have been attending for way more than a year. It was good to hear from those who are further along on the journey. Us new kids composed about half of those in attendance last night. It was both good and hard being with my peeps in a different environment. The bonds between us are so strong that it will take awhile for us to blend and join with the others that have been there longer. I liked the new facilitator and am hopeful she can help us accomplish a melding together so we can become one ongoing supportive group. I did miss the intimacy and trust we have had in our smaller group and I hope that can both continue and expand.
This week has been impossible for exercise because of all the smoke from the horrible fires up north. The air is classified as “unhealthy” for everyone, and I am in the “sensitive” group so have been coughing even when indoors with the air purifier running full blast. My heart goes out to those who have lost homes and family in the fires. We really do need to get a handle on climate change before the West goes up in flames and the East and South are completely devastated by monster hurricanes and floods.
I also had my RMR (resting metabolic rate) test this week and found that my body burns 1555 calories a day when I am doing absolutely nothing. As a result, I am going to increase my calorie intake to 1350, which should still keep me on the weight loss path without going too low. Even with virtually no exercise, I still lost 1.2 pounds last week.
Sadly, too, we closed the pool for the winter, so the stationary bike will have to do once the smoke clears.
I also got some new pants last week. They were both on sale and fit! I am holding off on buying more as I hope to shrink out of the new ones before too long.
(My stats for the last week – 1.2 down pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 30 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 64 pounds.)
They shared the “before and after” pictures with us last night.
I am not done, but you can really see the difference. What you can’t see is how much better I feel.
Our last meeting last night was simply hilarious, as well as moving. We’d written a song for our facilitator, whose name is Joanna, and we gave her a gift after we sang it. To the tune of Oh Susanna:
“Oh, Joanna, oh don’t you cry for us. We’re off upstairs to lifestyles, our new group for to meet. A protein bar is in our mouth, a tear is in our eye, we’ll stay your cohort two seven, Joanna don’t you cry.”
She was totally blown away not the least by the fact that she had also written us a song TO EXACTLY THE SAME TUNE! Serendipity? Traveling along on the same wavelength for 30 weeks? A miracle?
Her song was amazing, with a verse about each person in the class, which I must say, nailed us each quite precisely.
The chorus was “Twenty Seven, Our cohort lost the fat. Smart skills, waters, logging cals, We’ve got the skills done pat.”
My favorite was the last one, “xx kept us very in the know on making habits stick, when faced with hard decisions, for God’s sake don’t be a dick.” It was one of his more famous lines during check it. We were all practically on the floor laughing.
I loved my verse too:
“Our group was helmed by Theresa, Reverend mom to all, her sage advice was cherished, she throws veggies at the wall.” The veggies at the wall line also referred to a check in story, but the less said about that one the better.
The group then overwhelmed me with some gifts. Two Tee shirts, in two sizes, one that I will need to shirk myself a bit more to fit into. 100% compliant because I was the only one who did not “cheat” the entire time. Except last week when I had that martini, but they didn’t know that when they ordered the shirts. A swimming trophy for my exercise, and egg cookers because I’d complained about peeling hard boiled eggs.
Hugs and tears all around last night. I blurred the faces in our group pic for privacy as not everyone has been as blatently public about being in the program as I have.
I am so happy that most of the group will stay together in the Lifestyles class. As we said last night, we need each other to keep on keeping on and really change our lives for good.
Tomorrow I am scheduled for a test that will tell me what my resting metabolic rate is. RMR is the amount of calories a body burns when it isn’t doing anything. It will help me know how many calories I should have each day to keep on losing the rest of my weight that needs to go. No exercise today and no food or coffee tomorrow morning before the test. I am looking forward to it.
(My stats for the last week – 1.8 down pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 260 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 62.8 pounds.)
Sunset. It is almost sunset for our group – at least as it has been configured for the last 28 weeks. Actually 29 weeks. I started counting weeks on this blog from the week we started meal replacements, not the week we started in the group. So next week will be the end of the 30 week “intensive phase” of the program. We will start in “lifestyles” which will be more weekly meetings that we can continue attending as long as we want. Forever might be good. It might take that long to really get committed to healthier eating in the long haul. I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, so it will be more than just “maintaining” for me. 61 pounds is nothing to sneeze at, however, and I am proud of myself.
Endings are almost always bittersweet. It does feel good to have finished something, but we will be leaving our awesome facilitator behind. I hope the new one has a good sense of humor too. She will need it; we are pretty rowdy. A few people in our group will be going to other lifestyles groups, ones closer to their homes or on nights that will be easier for them. I will miss them fiercly as well. Most of us will stay together though, a very good thing. I love our group!
It was a small group last night, only 8 of us plus our facilitator. A few people were traveling and others were spending Halloween with their kids. Quite a few of us wore costumes, which was fun. The topic was alcohol use, especially around the upcoming holidays. I haven’t had a drink since April when I started the program, and my intention is to wait until I get to my maintenance weight before having even one of my beloved martinis.
Alcohol involves more risks to weight loss than the obvious ones of calories and lowered inhibitions. I learned last night that it is important to eat some protein before drinking, because otherwise the body digests the alcohol as a priority and anything else will go directly to fat production. Who knew? My friend Brian must have been onto something with his blue cheese stuffed olives. I could maybe try a pepperoni stick as a garnish. Just kidding, but the protein idea was a good tip.
The holidays are coming, and I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner again this year. It will be a smaller one, just the kids and their partners, but I am going to try some healthier side dishes this year. Turkey is an awesome low fat protein if you don’t drown it in gravy.
I am still losing a pound or so each week – which shocks me in some ways. I am also not feeling hungry, except right before meal time. Having 3 small snacks in addition to 3 somewhat larger meals, seems to be working.
It has been another hard week in the world and I don’t have the emotional energy right now to write about all the horror this week. I wrote this poem earlier after attending a vigil. But please vote and please vote for Democrats. Lives are at stake, so many lives, so many precious lives.
(My stats for the last week – 1.7 down pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 390 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 61 pounds.)
Halloween is coming and our kids came over to carve pumpkins last weekend. They all live in apartments, so they left the jack-o-lanterns for us and our neighbors to enjoy. It was the first time carving pumpkins for both of our sons’ girlfriends, as neither one was raised in the U.S. They had fun – and it was fun seeing the fun they had. This is what sharing different cultures should be like – fun. Where did we learn the fear that so many display toward immigrants? It has always been here I know, but I hate it.
Last night, before class, a few of us got into a conversation about choice and abortion. A class member said he protested outside the Planned Parenthood offices every month, because he did not believe in abortion. I told him that I had friends who served as escorts at other clinics where the demonstrators were aggressive and sometimes violent. I mentioned the shootings at the clinic in Colorado, and the doctor (George Tiller) who was murdered while attending church. My friend said his group wasn’t violent and I said good, and I asked him if he was also against the death penalty. What I did not say, and would have said if I had thought quickly enough, is that is safe abortions are not available, women and girls will die, because they will take whatever desperate steps they think are necessary, with quacks, coat hangers and poison. I am old enough to remember what it was like before Roe vs Wade. I don’t want to return to those days. Life is more important. Comprehensive sexuality education and free and easy access to birth control are the solutions if you want to reduce abortions. Abortions rates (and teen pregnancies) are proven to decline in places where those are available. The conversation was a cultural exchange, not as fun as the Halloween pumpkin carving, but not violent or hostile either. On a day when public figures and news organizations were the target of terrorist bombs, it was refreshing to just talk and exchange opinions respectfully.
Words matter. Our class topic included the negative self talk that is part of struggling to lose weight. It is hard to stay positive, to lift up hope in such scary times, but I do believe it is the only way we will survive.
The scale surprised me this week because I had a small weight loss despite the fact that I was prepared for a gain. It seems like I did fine at the retreat and at the dinner out we had with the kids. (Thai food works, or at least Chicken Ka Prow worked). I also signed up to have the test that will measure my resting metabolism rate. (RMR – the calories a body burns just existing.) Knowing this number, which is different for everyone, should help me calculate more precisely how many calories I should consume in order to continue to lose weight without kicking my metabolism into starvation mode. I’ll let you know how it goes in a couple of weeks after I get the test done. I will need to do the test later as well, because the RMR number goes down as weight goes down. More facts, more data. I can’t get enough of either. Oh and more love, more hope, more courage; I can always use those too. Be well.
(My stats for the last week – down 1.7 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 240 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 59.3 pounds.)
I missed class this week because I was attending a gathering of UU Ministers at a local retreat center. What a joy and a challenge it was! It is always a joy to gather with beloved friends and colleagues – those I have known for years and others that I just met this week. The program was excellent and included a lot of prayerful singing – singing is something I don’t do well, but that doesn’t stop me from loving it. I particularly enjoyed some of the conversations I had with the newer ministers and seminarians. They hold the hope for the future, not only for our faith, but for the world.
No one understands a minister better than another minister. While resting in the embrace of that mutual understanding, there were also challenges. We are human and part of the larger culture and are not unaffected by the wider systems of power and privilege that bring such harm to those who are trying to survive on the margins. I had to do my “Jeremiah” thing during a discussion of white supremacy where I witnessed a few “micro-aggressions.” It is so important to at least name those when they happen.
I am also realizing that I am completely out of patience with the “hurt feelings” of those who feel victimized when someone names the harm they have caused to others. No one expects perfection. If you blow it, when you make a mistake (and you will), apologize, and then SHUT THE F___ up and move on. No one you have harmed wants to hear about how guilty you feel about it or how your intentions were pure. Process those emotions with others who have similar identities to yours if you need to do so, but don’t redirect the attention of a larger group to your emotional distress. Don’t make it about you. This is work, very hard work indeed, that really needs to be done, again for our faith and for the world. The blessing I felt is that everyone there at least wants to do the work, even we bumble and stumble along that journey toward justice making and beloved community where all are truly welcomed in the fullness of who they are.
The other challenge, for me at least, was the food. (This is my weight management blog after all.) The retreat center served very healthy, and mainly organic, food, so it was much easier than it might have been. It was also super tasty. I stressed some though, as I was not able to weigh or measure anything and I had to guess at the calories. The lunches were vegetarian, so protein was harder to find and manage with no lean meat available. It was also hard to pass by the awesome desserts and say to no to the social hour wine. I stayed strong on those last two, however, and next week’s weigh-in will tell me how well I did on estimating calories. This was my Tuesday night dinner plate:
Baked chicken with pesto sauce, roasted cauliflower, and a smidgeon of salad. The salads were all pre-dressed, so I was careful with them. My guess was around 340 calories.
I am also thinking about taking the test in the next few weeks that will tell me about my metabolism – how many calories I burn just breathing. Knowing that number will help me calculate with more precision just how many calories I should be eating each day. It is not good to go too low because too few calories can slow your metabolism permanently and make long term weight loss more difficult. Too many calories, and you don’t lose any weight. The program includes one free metabolism test, and subsequent ones cost $50. The recommendation is to wait and do the test when your weight loss slows, but I want to do it before then. If it turns out I need another one later, I can just pay for it. Given the investment I am making already – in money, time, and attention, I am not going to quibble over an extra 50 bucks if it will help.
There are maybe a couple of weeks left of swim season, before we need to close the pool for the winter. I hope to catch up on my exercise goals this week.
(My stats for the last week – down ? pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 240 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 57.6 pounds.)
Now that I have fully transitioned back onto real food, I am going to recycle this gross shaker. It is not like I didn’t rinse it after each use and wash it with soap, but the residue from the shakes simply did not come out. When I used the dishwater, the gunk got baked on.
It makes me wonder what the inside of my stomach looks like. Kind of creepy, but the program worked, so I am not complaining. I have lost a significant amount of weight and am primed to continue losing until I reach a weight that works for me and keeps me healthier. The Kaiser recommendation is to continue to use 3 products a day for the rest of my life. I have decided to ignore that. Once I finish my last 3 shakes I am done. The shakes are too gross to me at this point and the bars, while handy in a pinch, don’t seem necessary for every day. Costco also sells protein bars for half the cost of the Optimist products. Eating every 3 hours or so makes sense to keep hunger at bay, but I think I can do that eating somewhat more natural food. (Are low-fat mozzarella cheese sticks real food? They are a handy protein though. Hummus, fruit, all of those type of choices can work just fine.) I certainly don’t want to discourage others who might make different choices about the products, but this is what feels right to me.
This week I have been pondering how my body feels. It is smaller. I have more muscle and less fat. I am stronger. My skin even feels smoother. My ankles are no longer swollen and the lipodermatosclerosis in my legs is way less painful. I can open the solar pool cover all by myself, something that wasn’t possible 2 months ago. I will need to buy some new clothes soon as most of my old ones are way too big. I actually feel thin. I am not thin, however, and anyone else, looking at me, would still see me as fat. But I FEEL thin. When I last worked for the federal government, there was a lot of talk about reinventing it. We also talked about “right-sizing” rather than “down-sizing.” I never understood the differences as we went through round after round of hiring freezes which caused service declines, but the term of “right-sizing” makes some sense in my current situation. I want to get to a size and a weight that feels healthy. If I feel good, I don’t really give a damn what other people think. I am too old and have been through too much in my life to start worrying about other people’s opinions now. We talked about goals this week in class. We got the always important reminder that we are the most important person in our lives and that we need to continuing prioritizing our own well-being if we want to be able to help others. My motivation remains that of improving my health.
I took a class in seminary where we were assigned the task of doing a theological reflection about a core life issue. We got extra points for tying the reflection to a scripture from a religious tradition of our choice. Working on that assignment, I realized that the story of the prophet Jeremiah really spoke to me. He was one of the dudes who kept speaking truth to power, calling the wealthy to help the poor, etc. They kept throwing him down a well, but he never shut up. Speaking the truth is important, even if those in power don’t listen and don’t care. Even in the bottom of a well, you can create ripples that can change things several millennia down the road. The walls of the wells that confine us will eventually crumble. Speak your truth. Never give up. Rock on Jeremiah. Rock on Anita Hill. Rock on Christine Blasey Ford.
(My stats for the last week – down 4.3 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 330 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 57.6 pounds.)
This last week, I ate out for the first time in almost 6 months. Twice! It is the facilitator’s fault. She passed out menus from fast food restaurants last week and asked us to try and find healthy choices. I did better, I think, with Thai food (chicken/cabbage/red curry) and the grilled kanpachi with veggies I had at a decent fish restaurant.
I forgot to take a picture of my actual meal, but it was pretty much like the above, except the cauliflower was roasted not creamed. I did have the chimichurri sauce which had olive oil. It is impossible to figure out the actual calories when you eat out, but I did try and be smart about it. No rice or bread, and I avoided heavy sauces.
I think I stayed within my calorie budget, but I only lost .3 pounds last week. That is OK. Any loss is better than a gain, which is kind of the opposite of the rest of life.
We did nutrition this week in class, macro mainly, carbs, fat and protein. I have been watching my carbs for years, to keep my blood sugar from spiking, so that is routine for me by now. We need carbohydrates of course, and I am trying to get most of mine from the complex range, vegetables and a few whole grains. Life is complex, but white bread and potatoes not so much. I yearn sometimes for a simpler life, but it is not what my body needs when it comes to food.
I am also starting to thinking about going completely off the Optimist products. (They recommend using 3 a day for the rest of our live!) I hate Nestle, the evil corporation that makes it, and the products are far from healthy natural food. I think I can do better with snacks of string cheese, hard boiled eggs, fruit, veggies and other brands of protein bars in a pinch. I am still in the thinking stage on that, but I have never been one for eating a lot of processed or packaged foods. The Optifast products are definitely in that category.
This week has been hard emotionally. I have been very triggered by the US Supreme Court nominee and the Republican defense of sexual assault. I wrote the following poem this morning.
A Holy Rage
I remember this feeling
Tightness in my chest
The day my father was baptized
Was the day I stopped
It took me 30 years
To go back.
They knew what he was like
But it did not matter
I did not matter
They never asked me
They never cared enough.
Another drunken abuser
Is about to stagger into more power
Where he will no doubt
Abuse us all.
Where is our sacrament?
Where is our blessing?
Where is the salvation,
For the victims,
For the survivors?
I tell you this:
I am no longer a child
I know the truth
I will remember
And I will not forgive.
My rage is holy now.
May all our rage be Holy. May we do what is good for ourselves and for each other. May we be tender with the (so many) wounded among us.
(My stats for the last week – down .3 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 300 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 53.3 pounds.)
I was very moved a few days ago by an article published on-line by my denomination. You can read it (Here). The series of short articles is called Braver/Wiser: “Life is full of hard edges and complicated choices. Braver/Wiser gives you weekly messages of courage and compassion for life as it is. Every Wednesday we deliver an original written reflection by a contemporary religious leader, and brief prayer, grounded in Unitarian Universalism.” How we need both courage and compassion in these times! In the relatively near future, I will be honored by having some words of my own included.
But, oh my! The Reverend Misha Sanders in her article reports an elderly woman, a stranger, saying to her in a store, “You have beautiful hair. If you slim down, Honey, you’ll have to fight off the men.” I’ll let you read the article to find out how she responded, but it made me cry. Read it please.
Her article also made me reflect on some of my own way of being in the world.
Some straight women say they want to be thin in order to be more attractive to men. This objectifies the female body in unhealthy ways, and if a fat women becomes thin and “finds a man” she will always wonder if he would have loved her if she had stayed fat. God, I hate that idea. Fat people are every bit as lovable as thin ones, and to deny that fact is part of the patriarchal rape culture. In that culture, men see women as created for their pleasure, to use, so they can just be “boys being boys.” So many of my sisters are filled with rage right now as rape is being defended by Republicans so desperate to control the Supreme Court that they don’t mind adding (another) sexual predator to that lofty bench.
That rage is almost all-consuming as I listen to as much of the hearings as I can stand. But I am going to try to think of something else for a moment. I have never been a serial dieter. I can laugh that I lost the same 20 pounds twice, but others I know have done the yo-yo thing their whole lives. I never wanted to be thinner in order to attract men, because, as a lesbian, my sense of other women is that they are attracted to the spirit of the person, the personality, not just the surface appearance. I certainly did not want men, “fighting over me.” Why does that phrase remind me of dogs fighting over a bone? Bones have no agency. Meat. It is a frightening and disgusting concept that a woman would want that.
I obviously can’t change the subject today. I can’t even think, because, yes, #metoo, and all survivors are triggered by what is happening. I am stunned, but not surprised, by the callousness of the old white men sitting in judgement today, not really caring. And I am awed by the courage of a woman brave enough to speak the truth.
(My stats for the last week – down 1.2 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 330 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 53 pounds.)
I have been seriously pissed off since the news of the attempted rape by the current nominee for the Supreme Court. Why am I not surprised that the “groper in chief” would nominate another privileged and entitled white male who thinks the world and women were created for his use and pleasure? Class and race issues abound here as well. Our prisons are full of poor people and people of color who made a mistake when they were young, but this dude is unlikely to be held even marginally accountable. Punk he was then and punk he still is.
Anger and stress are not necessarily great for staying on program, but last night we learned about “eustress” a stress that is experienced as beneficial, for example a challenge that can invigorate an person to engage in meeting and overcoming an obstacle. For a problem to generate eustress, there needs, I think, to be some sense that we have the power within us to meet the challenge. This is why the phrases, “you’ve got this” and “you can do it” are so helpful in support groups and frankly, in parenting. No one makes progress when they are in despair. I am sticking to the program, and to the Resistance, simply because I have to do so. Keeping hope alive is an essential part of living well and fully.
There was a bump in the road this week when I read the following article:
So much was excellent about the article.
The comments about the medical profession rang true:
“Ask almost any fat person about her interactions with the health care system and you will hear a story, sometimes three,…. rolled eyes, skeptical questions, treatments denied or delayed or revoked. Doctors are supposed to be trusted authorities, a patient’s primary gateway to healing. But for fat people, they are a source of unique and persistent trauma. No matter what you go in for or how much you’re hurting, the first thing you will be told is that it would all get better if you could just put down the Cheetos.”
And that may be all you are told. If you are fat, your actual medical condition which may need immediate treatment, is often overlooked and dismissed. It has happened to me.
The article also did a good job of describing the harmful impacts of fat shaming.
“Paradoxically, as the number of larger Americans has risen, the biases against them have become more severe. More than 40 percent of Americans classified as obese now say they experience stigma on a daily basis, a rate far higher than any other minority group.”
The part that threw me off for awhile, however, was this:
“For 60 years, doctors and researchers have known two things that could have improved, or even saved, millions of lives. The first is that diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets. Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible. As early as 1969, research showed that losing just 3 percent of your body weight resulted in a 17 percent slowdown in your metabolism—a body-wide starvation response that blasts you with hunger hormones and drops your internal temperature until you rise back to your highest weight. Keeping weight off means fighting your body’s energy-regulation system and battling hunger all day, every day, for the rest of your life.”
This isn’t something I wanted to hear while I am in the middle of a weight management program that seems to be working. I really question the statistics in the highlighted sentence, however, especially since no reference was given and I could not find that statistic on-line. The last sentence also doesn’t ring true. I have not felt hunger while on this program, cravings for certain foods, yes, but not actual hunger. I really don’t expect to be battling hunger for the rest of my life. Paying attention, yes, being careful about what and how much I eat, yes, prioritizing exercise, yes, but I am now seeing significant improvements in my health as a result of the weight I have already lost. That is a incredible motivator as is the awesome support of the other members of my group.
And this week I made another milestone – over 50 pounds down! I can see the changes when I look in the mirror, but even better, I can feel the changes when I need to climb some stairs.
May 16 September 19
(My stats for the last week – down 3.1 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 310 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 51.8 pounds.)
This scale is my friend. The other one is just OK, although we were told last night that weighing ourselves daily isn’t a bad idea. It will get us used to daily fluctuations and ultimately reduce our stress levels about weight loss or gain. The weekly weight losses are slowing down now, and while that is OK and to be expected, it can be a bit depressing.
This program is so much harder now with real food. At 1250-1350 calories I am still not hungry, so that part isn’t hard. But it is so complicated! I try to get enough protein and not too much, and to keep drinking water which will help protect my kidneys with this relatively high protein diet. And vitamins and minerals matter too. Weighing and measuring everything takes time and concentration. How did I survive simply eating all those years and I never got scurvy or any other vitamin deficiency disease? It must have been a miracle, or maybe it was because I ate a lot of almost everything, and some empty calories don’t matter if you are eating a lot. So, protein, veggies, a lot of water, and a few slices a week of a whole grain bread is what I am doing now to try and stay healthy. I am sometimes find it hard enough to eat enough to keep my metabolism humming along and out of starvation mode. I haven’t really dieted much in the past so hopefully I haven’t slowed my metabolism over the years the way frequent dieters seem to do. Another reason to stick with the program. It just gets harder every time you try,
We learned some simple strength-building exercises to go along with more aerobic ones a few weeks ago, and I am trying to do at least 15 minutes of them daily. Ever hear of wall push-ups? Sort of easy, and sort of not. The wall doesn’t move, but my arms get a good workout. As the weather gets cooler, I won’t be able to swim every day so it will be time to hop on the exercise bike again.
Some folks have dropped out of the program recently. I hate that. Another thing I hate is listening to people who have never weighed more than 140 pounds talk about their struggles with weight. Give it a rest, please. You really don’t understand. Just be supportive.
We also talked about lapses, relapses, and drifting this week. The definitions are kind of complicated. Lapses are to be expected, and planned ones are in fact just fine. There will be times that I get to eat cake. Relapses are when you eat cake for several days in a row. Drifting is when you think eating cake everyday will not cause you to gain weight again. It doesn’t have to be cake. It can be wine, a martini, or pasta. It can be forgetting to exercise for a month. Get back on the bike!
Like I said, this stuff is hard.
(My stats for the last week – down .5 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 330 minutes. My total weight loss so far is 48.7 pounds.)