Daily Bread #90

In the midst of the winter holidays, I remembered a poem I wrote for the Winter Solstice back in 2012.  I was in Utah then and there was snow.

The sun shattered in the sky today
A piñata of stars rained down
The lone last leaf fell long ago
But the scent of pine remains
The snow sparkles with fairy dust
As Hope’s child again appears.
The dawn of life is reborn once more
From the warm embrace of the moon.

From stars shining in the East to lights that burn even when all the oil should be gone, at this time of year we are reminded that miracles can happen, that the winters of our spirits can end and warmth and the sun will somehow return.

At church on the night of the solstice, we ritually walked a labyrinth and then cast into a flaming barbecue pit pieces of paper on which we had written what we wanted to leave behind in the old year.  I have done this ritual many times, letting go old hurts and old fears that no longer served me.  There is something about a scrap of paper being consumed by fire that is powerful  It taps, I think, into the ancient body memories of our ancestors where the warmth of a fire could mean the difference between life and death.  Fire has such a different meaning now when wildfires range beyond all imaging, but those old memories still remain and are still powerful.

I wrote something about letting go of the fear that I won’t be able to maintain my weight and the improved health I have achieved.  My health will deteriorate as I age of course, but I want to do all I can to delay the inevitable as long as possible.  But I really don’t have to stress about every single calorie anymore.

Right after the fire ritual we went back inside and there were hundreds of amazing cookies spread out before us.  Despite what I had written on the paper, I felt I needed to leave immediately and that I just couldn’t stay in a room where just about everyone was eating cookies.  So much for letting go of my fear of losing control over what I eat.

Upon reflection, I realized that I really could have had one cookie, no problem.  One cookie would not derail my progress or cause all my lost weight to come back.  150 pounds would take awhile to gain back anyway and a few cookies would not do it.  And I really could have had just one.  In fact, there were leftovers on Sunday, and I did have one.  The old me would have tried at least one of every kind, and a second of the one I liked best.  (There were at least 5 different choices).  6 or 7 cookies wouldn’t have killed me either, and I saw a few others doing something like that, although most people had one or two.  Notice I said, “the old me.”  I am not that person anymore.  Maybe it is the old me, that image of myself, of who I used to be, that I should have tossed into the fire, so the new me would be stronger, rising like a Phoenix from the fire.

On a more mundane note, I seriously reduced my exercise last week – 8000 fewer steps than the week before, and my knee feels a lot better.  In another week or so it might be time to start GRADUALLY doing a bit more. My weight is up slightly this week, but it was down a lot the week before so I am still in a very comfortable maintenance range. This is good, because this next week will involve a restaurant meal and a couple of parties that will have food as a focus.  I am not worried though.  I am the new me.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 18366 steps last week for 7.8 miles.  I ate approximately 9471 calories and burned 11647 for a deficit of 2176. My average weight this week is up 1.5 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 155.2.