Daily Bread #76

Recovery from knee replacement surgery is going to take some time. The surgery was a week ago and I have been to the ER 3 times. Once for a blood clot scare and twice because I fainted. Health care in the US is not the best even if you have good insurance and a better than average provider. The Beatles song “Back in the USSR” has been running through my head. “You don’t know how lucky you are, boy”

I can feel lucky and pissed at the same time. Lucky it isn’t worse but furious it hasn’t been better. Most of the kaiser staff have been great but a couple of the ER docs were arrogant jerks.

With all the emergency room visits physical therapy and meals have both been pretty hit and miss. I can’t let my blood sugar or pressure get too low or I will pass out again. Luckily I was seated with someone with me both times so I did not hit the floor or get hurt. The ER nurse gave me a hospital hamburger yesterday. I had chocolate pudding there the day before.

This recovery is hard and there is a lot of pain. The medications help some but not enough. What is hardest is the emotional stuff though. Isn’t that always true? Not being listened to, not being treated with respect is even worse when you feel lousy and are scared. It is also hard not being able to take care of myself and being dependent on others for my very survival. I am so lucky to have family and friends that love and support me. Anne runs herself ragged helping me and I hate that too.

The lack of control and lack of agency is difficult for an obsessive control freak like me. It is particularly weird around food. For the last year and a half I have been in complete control of what I eat. I cooked what I wanted and ate when I needed to eat. I probably won’t be able to prepare my own food for at least another week. It has been a major mental adjustment and needing help with food is harder for me than needing help in showering and dressing. Makes sense I guess, but it took me by surprise to have a meltdown about the plans for dinner.

I am still trying to eat relatively healthy foods and I am going to up my calorie intake for awhile to give my body more energy to heal.

Defining and redefining each day as I work with a changing sense of what is normal. Rest and push myself. Elevate and ice. Remember to eat. A real joy is being able to sit at my office desk. I am going to limit it to an hour at a time but that one small thing helps me understand that although what is normal for me will keep changing, I can still do a few things that will make me feel better.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: I am drinking about 96 ounces of water most days.  My Fitbit report shows 8783 steps last week for less than 4 miles.  I ate approximately 8561 calories and burned 11733 for a deficit of 3172. I am up 3 pounds for a total loss of 140.