Learning to Swim @UUCM Jan 28, 2024

Swim along with me.

Just for a little while

For I am weary

I could use a friend

In these deep waters

Cold is the stone without the sun

Bitter are the tears wept alone

Swim with me

I am sinking and don’t want to drown.

I have forgotten

How to breathe

My lungs they ache with pain.

You say that you are drowning too?

I am not surprised

The cold wind blows around us all

The ocean’s great waves

Knock a body down sometimes,

Sucking our souls

Into whirlpools of despair

Swim with me

Perhaps our hearts will beat together

To find a rhythm

Pulsing slow,

A gentle current of grace and hope

That will surely lead us to the shore.

I wrote that poem years ago and it helped me in particular when I worked as a hospital chaplain as part of my ministerial training.  We are all just swimming to the other side and most of us carry pain and grief throughout our life’s journey.

When I have done memorial services, and I have officiated at more than a few, I usually talked about grief, and how it is many things, and contains more emotions than really can be named.   I also often spoke of grief with an ocean metaphor.

The shock of loss can be like falling into a cold sea, the energy of the waves beating against a rocky shoreline can symbolize the anger we might feel – at the fact of grief and even at the one who has left us. We paddle in the shallows of denial, the sand scrapes against our wounded hearts, opening us to feelings of guilt or regret. The tide goes in and out, with a force that cannot be resisted.  Anything you feel while in the midst of immediate grief is OK, there is no way to control the tide of emotions.  All you can do is feel them.

It is important to let yourself grieve when you experience a loss, and we all lose things as we live.  Whether it is another person, our health, a job, a home, a dream, even just an unsettling change in our life that we really expect will bring good things, loss and change are a part of our lives.  One example of an positive change that also can involve loss and grief, is when a young person graduates from high school and ventures out into the world as a young adult. They usually feel excitement, but there is likely also fear and grief at what they will be leaving behind. Almost all change involves some grief.

This includes the changes that come to congregants when a new minister arrives.

It is important to let yourself grieve, to acknowledge the loss, whatever it is, that you have suffered. Let the tears flow when they will. Let your feelings move through you.  But most of all, try to be gentle with yourselves and with others. 

Sometimes it is necessary to just sit with your feelings. Like the ocean waves, grief can wash over us at unexpected times, with an intensity that can surprise us.   Over time, however, the waves of that grief tend to grow farther apart, and we will learn to stand a bit steadier as they wash over us. 

There is no cure for grief.  There is only, at best, a partial healing.  Loss is often permanent, it certainly is when a loved one dies, but sometimes we lose other things, hopes, dreams that we know are gone forever.  We will never get our youth back, some relationships will never be repaired, good health is always temporary. The past is just a goodbye like the old Crosby Stills and Nash song goes.

Grief never completely goes away, but maybe, just maybe we can learn to swim and to navigate the changing currents of our lives. 

Learning to swim is important, because if you don’t, a couple of not so wonderful things can happen to you.  One, you can drown.

Grief can weigh you down over time with heavy stones of despair. You sink beneath the waves, but even as your heart continues to beat, you have forgotten how to breathe, and maybe, you have even forgotten how to love.

Because it is love, my friends, that always saves.  It is the only thing that does.

The other thing that can happen is getting stuck in anger or resentment.  Why me?  It isn’t fair, etc.

And those things are both true.  Much of life is simply luck, both good luck and bad.  It isn’t fair or just. 

But too much anger and resentment about the unfairness of it all can be dangerous if it goes on too long. We can forget there are others in the water with us, also trying to swim to the other side.  Like a drowning person we may fight help and try to pull potential life guards down under the water with us.  Learning to swim means reaching out, floating, and maybe grabbing a hand and just holding on.  But we have to do some of our own paddling too and if we try to pull others under, we may all drown. No, we need to just hold on and try to float as best we can while others try to guide us to the shore.

There is a reason why mutual support groups are so helpful.  Because helping others is in fact what helps us.  The final step in 12 step programs makes this explicit by saying:

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The line from our opening hymn this morning: “kindness will heal us as we give we gain” contains the same idea.  If we are thrown into deep water we might learn to swim, but we also might drown.  We need loving companions, fellow swimmers to teach us how to survive.  We need to get along, to have a community of trust and of care, of helping each other learn to swim.

Here at UUCM, we have our mission statement which we recite most Sundays.  We also have a covenant of right relations which is a guide of sorts on how we intend to share the journeys of our lives.  It reads:

• Respect others: their person, ideas, and spiritual/theological beliefs
• Speak the truth with love, care, and sensitivity
• Listen carefully
• Respond with respect
• Act with kindness

This is our covenant, one that guides us how we will be together.  These are the promises we have made and the ones we have said we will try to live up too.

Frankly friends, we haven’t been doing very well lately in keeping those promises. 

Respect, love, care, sensitivity and kindness.  Those are the things that will help us become the Beloved Community we aspire to be, that we need, that the world needs.

I don’t believe in angels or in demons.  We all make mistakes, especially when we are in grief, especially when we are angry or afraid.  But disparaging someone else’s theology or spiritual practice isn’t OK in a UU congregation.  As individuals we can believe whatever makes sense to us about God and what happens after we die.  Unitarian Universalist congregations have  as members people of a wide variety of faiths and traditions including, atheists, Jews, Muslims, pagans, Hindus, Buddhists, humanists, and Christians. Sometimes we are going to mention Jesus and sometimes we are going to reference the Quran.  Take a deep breath if it freaks you out, but we are here to open our hearts even wider than our minds.  Our mission statement says that we celebrate many paths.  Some of those paths may not be yours.

Even if we are speaking different theological languages, if we listen with our hearts we can empathize and feel for each other.

It also isn’t OK to be rude or unkind, to not listen, to be disrespectful, insensitive, or careless. That is out of covenant.  It is breaking a promise. Our covenant, in case you have forgotten it already is:

• Respect others: their person, ideas, and spiritual/theological beliefs
• Speak the truth with love, care, and sensitivity
• Listen carefully
• Respond with respect
• Act with kindness

Question – how many of you have never heard of this covenant before?  I am not surprised.  We voted on them several years ago, but then they gathered dust, and relegated to a relatively obscure part of our website. 

It is past time to bring it back into our awareness and into our congregational culture, into our daily practice of how we are together.  And let me say clearly and firmly that I am not bringing this up only because  a few people have been rude and even mean at times to our minister and his family.  Don’t get me wrong, because I really hate that, but the real problem goes much deeper.  It is how we are with each other.  It is how we tolerate problematic behavior and make excuses for it. We aren’t always kind and respectful toward each other and can fall into gossiping and complaining rather than addressing conflict and disagreements directly. Sometimes we just want things our own way and aren’t willing to listen to the perspectives of others.

I have been in a congregation that really lived into their covenant of right relations.  They weren’t perfect of course, being human, but anytime someone behaved out of covenant another member would call them back in.  If they heard gossip or complaints, they would ask if they have expressed those complaints directly to the person involved.  The norm was to talk to people not about them.  And the expectation was that everyone was capable of learning kinder and more responsible ways of interacting.

Frankly, to just ignore it when someone breaks our covenant by acting rudely or disrespectfully is not fair to the person who is acting inappropriately. 

To say, “Oh, that is just Theresa, she’s always like that, a really disagreeable grump” means you don’t think I am capable of change.  True, mornings before coffee are always hard for me, but I really can learn to just grunt and not go off in anger when someone speaks to me too early.  I can learn to say quietly, “can we please talk after my coffee?”  

Conflicts and disagreements are inevitable.  We are human after all and we have diverse wants and needs.  Healthy conflict can generate creative responses and transform communities in positive ways.  So yes, it is perfectly fine to disagree, but none of us are angels and those who disagree with us aren’t demons.  I am not so sure about some political figures, but I do know that is true for those of us here.

When our demon side escapes, and it will, there are almost always ways to repair the damage we have done, to make amends, most often a simple heartfelt apology and a renewed commitment to try and do better is enough.

Reach out for help when you need it, and give others a hand when they do.  Our pastoral care team and our minister are here to help with your grief and with your pain. The healthy congregation team has some new members, (The new members are Myself, Linda Haumann, Joan Smith, and Sande Kiriluk. Ted Gaebler and Dick Park continue to share their wisdom.)

including myself, and we are in training mode right now, but our team mission is  to help us all become more faithful to our covenant and to facilitate conflicts in ways that enhance community and relationships.

Conflicts with our minister are handled through the COSM not the Healthy Congregations team, but the biggest concern I have is not really about how we treat our minister but about our overall culture.

When we learn to be kinder and gentler with each other, to accept that we can disagree with others and stay in relationship.

Then we can learn to interact with our minister in similar and supportive ways. Trust will grow, and we can have the long term transformative relationship with our very talented and caring minister that most of us have been craving.

There is no shame in asking for help.  As some of you know, I joined this congregation, back in the mid 1990’s and I have had conflicts with more than a few people over the years.  Sometimes I have needed the help of a facilitator, and sometimes the minister helped.  More recently I think I have learned enough over the years so that I can usually approach someone directly if one of us has stepped on the other’s toes or been hurtful in some way.  Most often, hurt is unintentional, and if it is intentional, it is often coming from a place of grief.  Reach out for help with your grief and pain. We all need help sometimes.

I believe we are well on our way to becoming a true beloved community, and that we won’t return to old habits that split the congregation and drove some of our ministers away.  Living our covenant, calling people back to that covenant when they stray is what will help create a community that reflects our values in all we do and say.

And, as one of the verses this morning’s song says.

“When we get there, we’ll discover
All of the gifts we’ve been given to share
Have been with us since life’s beginning
And we never noticed they were there
We can balance at the brink of wisdom
Never recognizing that we’ve arrived
Loving spirits will live together
We’re all swimming to the other side”

May we keep swimming together.  May we all remember to breathe.  May it be so.

Weekly Bread #258

I can’t wait to see my granddaughter in this. She should be here in a couple of weeks and I am beyond excited to see her and hold her. The onesie was a special order – although I know we aren’t the only lesbian grandmothers in the world they don’t stock these at Target – or Nordstroms for that matter.

Back in the bad old days, I never thought I would have a grandchild or even children. Our three children were some of the first kids born to lesbians already in relationships. Most of the lesbian moms we knew back then with older kids had them from earlier heterosexual relationships. Now almost all the young lesbians couples i know are having babies. Maybe when their kids have kids they can find grandma and grandmama apparel ready made in the stores. If there are stores that is. Drones will likely be dropping consumer goods right into our homes through what used to be chimneys. Santa Claus all year long without the reindeer. 

I am preaching this morning. It has been a while. Wonder if it is like riding a bike? I used to ride a bike, but wouldn’t try it again, from fear of falling. Preaching feels safer, at least physically. Hopefully I won’t trip walking up to the pulpit this morning. Hopefully my message will be received with some grace. I will post the sermon here afterwards.

L’Chaim!

My average weight this week was up 1.1 pounds for a total loss of 137.2. 

Weekly Bread #257

Not much time today to post, so mostly just my stats this week. At least I am managing not to skip posting completely yet again like I did around Christmas. Christmas only comes once a year. Although there are different dates for it, depending on both calendars and traditions.  Enough! No point and no time to keep blathering on.

L’Chaim!

My average weight this week was up .3 pounds for a total loss of 138.3. 

Weekly Bread #256

Things look different in the rain. Mist softens the surroundings, creating something like an Impressionist style painting. It is one of the pleasures of hiking in the rain. Who am I kidding? I don’t like hiking in the rain. It is cold, damp, I sweat in my airless rain jacket, slip in the mud, and my glasses get fogged up when they are covered in rain and it is hard to see anything, even the trail. It is better than when it is too hot, however. Everything is relative I suppose. We do the best we can and even try to appreciate what we can. I do like the misty images, but I’d rather look at them from inside someplace warm and dry. Then again, the mistiness may be partly due to the cataracts my eyes are developing. 

Some of life is just realizing that things really could be worse. This is true even when things are pretty bad and are much more disheartening than a soggy muddy hike. It is easy to turn around on a hiking trail if it starts to rain. It is not so easy to walk away from other things. Muddy boots can be cleaned. Clothes and gear can be washed or even replaced. Sometimes, just sometimes, there are small blessings beneath the surface, even when it is raining, or maybe even when it is snowing.

L’Chaim!

My average weight this week was down .5 pounds for a total loss of 138.6. 

Weekly Bread #255

It is human to mark dates, to reflect backward even though life keeps moving. We celebrated our 49th anniversary this week. It was also the 10th anniversary of our wedding ceremony, which was roughly 6 months after our (finally) legal marriage. In any case, it was something to celebrate. I have been lucky in love. Which doesn’t mean I have been unlucky at cards. Funny how those sayings develop. I am a half way decent card player – and a card game was where I first met the love of my life, so that was clearly “lucky at cards.” 

Feeling lucky is more of an attitude that anything. It is the opposite of feeling entitled, or that hard work, or virtue somehow ensures that things will turn out well. Trying hard, and doing things as best you can – being cautious at times or courageous in others, all that certainly can affect outcomes, but so much of it is also luck, or maybe serendipity, or maybe grace. 

Theodicy is how various religions answer the question of “Why do bad things happen to good people” and the almost reverse, “Why do evil people get away with it.” I never believed in the “God works in mysterious ways.” or that “God is testing us.” Nope, my theory/belief is that actions (and attitudes) have consequences, but relatively random forces outside of our immediate control also determine what happens. The Butterfly Effect is also interesting to me. Theology for me isn’t written in stone (or in the pages of a book) but in the patterns of our lives and in the vast complexity of the universe. It evolves with time and experience.

So back to “grace.” Call it what you will, but my wife has been a blessing in my life. That truth runs through my heart and soul. Even though we bicker fairly routinely (partly for entertainment at times) and have been known to have some more serious arguments (complete with shouting and tears), there is no one else I would rather spend the rest of my days with. May those days be long. Here’s to the next year – which will be #50 – and to the next however long our luck continues to hold us together.

L’Chaim!

My average weight this week was down 2.4 pounds for a total loss of 138.1.